Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Scared of Santa Gallery

This one's from Gwilliker.. A great link to some "Why the hell are Mom and Dad leaving me on the lap of this fat Albino in the red suit with the whiskey breath?" photos.

Scared of Santa Gallery

Which is your favorite?

Lenzspot has a good Santa one he should post.

That's not an O-Henry in the tub ... Again..

I was playing single parent for a day last week, my wife was out at an all-day scrapbooking thingie and I was bathing the two monkeys after supper. After about 15 minutes the 6 year old screams..

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It touched me!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And jumps out of the tub and proceeds to do some type of South American Native dance. The 2 year old had shit in the tub (again)..

"It touched my HAND!!!!!!!!!!!"

One thing about us human beings, when it comes to shit, we want to be as far away from that stuff as we can get. Just look at the way our toilets are constructed. With the exception of some of my 6000 co-workers (a good percentage of them do not flush in the public stalls after they void), one touch of the handle and that stuff is whisked away down a small dark water slide, never to be seen again(by you at least)..

I got Jade to wash her hands and as I drained the water, fished the "pooper" out of the tub and sat her on the toilet (it's a chance for a little early training!) that's when I turned to see how Jade was doing and spotted a spider the size of a quarter sidling up the wall inches from the sink. Man, if she sees that thing on top of all this, this whole evening is going to be ruined on account of floating poop and spiders. So I distracted Jade and squished the damn thing behind her back before it could get away all the time balancing the 2 year old on the toilet seat so she would not fall in the hole.

What a pleasant evening. After disinfecting the entire area and blasting the shower for 15 minutes I put the kids to bed, I didn't mention anything until hours later when my wife came back late that evening. She had drawn a bath, and was soaking in it.

"Hey, did I tell you Jasmine shat in the tub?"....


And by the way..... You do not.. Want.. to .. go here....
I clicked .. And I'm sorry I did.. I'm just putting it here because someone told me about it the other day, and it fit the topic.. And I think people like Gwillicker and Lifto will get a kick out of it. (shudder)

Ebay Sniping! Dance Monkey!!!!

We were out shopping the other day and I happened to see this Dance Pad for the Xbox at Futureshop for $199 , and I thought.. "Wow, my kid would love that!, But there's no way in hell I'm payin' $199 and tax for that!". When these mats first came out, it was a spin off of the Gamercize craze, to get people off the couch playing videogames and on their feet and moving around (but still playing video games). Sure it's much simplier to go outside and run around, but Xbox is fun, so I'm all for giving it whirl.
Let's see what ebay has to say.
"Wow, here's the exact same thing, in Canada (screw the legalized theft at the border), slightly used but perfectly working for $0.99!

So, I did what I always do when I want to buy something on Ebay. NOTHING! Never let them know you're interested!!!! One guy had put a bid on it, so I googled his other ebay purchases and found out he missed a bid just the other day on the same exact thing (an INTEC G5252, same thing futureshop has on for $199 ). It had been had for $26 US.. not bad.. I figured $42 should blow his reserve auto bid out of the water, so I set my watch and when the bid was just about to end at 8:17 Sunday night, with about 3 seconds to go, I outbid him by 10 bucks. There was someone else who jumped in there too, but Bah! it was mine at $32 US...

SNIPE!!!! (did you know there's software to do this sort of thing for you? Evil!!)

It arrived tonight and I checked it all out, it works fine. I set it up and started to boogie.. My wife came down to see what the hell I was doing and I made her try it( I'm much better at it then she is, but this is nothing to brag about - forget I said it, until they make video-game dancing an Olympic sport in 2018, then watch out!)..

As she went through the tutorial for the 6th time I wondered aloud how much more interesting it would be if she wasn't wearing any pants.. But I digress..

This might be the big hit under the tree this year. Dance Dance Revolution 4, here I come!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Orleans Light Parade

Another year of sitting on the curb in the cold watching ten billion led lights gliding past. Boy the kids like it though. And they hand out candy! We got smart the last couple years. Now we park at the START of the parade, not the middle, or the end. That way, when it starts at 6:00pm, we don't have to wait 30 minutes till the first float reaches us! Our secret parking spot has been compromised though. The old Canadian Tire has been bought out and some other kinds store is going in and they hired some poor guy to basically wear a hard-hat near the entrance and bark at all of us who tried to park there that (and I quote):

"We're paving the parking lot tonight and I'm calling a towtruck and anyone who parks here is gonna get towed! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!" And then he kinda looked at us and bristled with one eyeball bigger than the other like Bluto in the old Popeye cartoons.

It makes perfect crap sense does it not? You're gonna pave a parking lot in winter. At night. On the same night Orleans holds the biggest parade of the year that starts a few blocks from your doorstep. For which the cops close ALL the roads for like 2 and a half hours. During which no one gets in or out. Pedestrians basically sit in the street to watch this. Oh yeah.. You got me scared buddy.. Sure that tow truck is gonna get called and get down here in time to wait 2 and a half hours behind the police barricade just so it can come in and tow one car(if that). I hope it's one of the private gys who works on commision!

I turned around though and spotted a sweeter spot by the side of the road. Seeya Bluto! I'd rather he just have the style to say "Basically the owners are assholes and they just don't want anyone using the parking lot of their new store that is closed and set to open in a month for something as silly as a big Christmas Parade." Maybe the lady at my office who is offended by the word Christmas owns the place now?

My Mom and Dad's fire truck was in the parade. At the end they parked the pump and went into the Orleans city hall type building and my Mom ran into a guy she recognized. She had been at a party the night before and this bald fellow had been drunk as a skunk.

"Why hello there!" She goes "Well, I hope you didn't drive home from Wakefield last night, with all that booze you drank!"

The guy greets her and says "Why no, I can honestly say I did not drive home drunk last night from Wakefield!" He laughs. So does my Dad, who is behind my Mom.
"Really? That's good!" My Mom says "Because you were three sheets to the wind! You told me all kinds of stuff about yourself, I'll bet your freinds don't even know!"
The guy laughs again. My Dad has a huge smile on his face now.
"Oh yeah?" Says the bald guy, "What did I tell you?"
My Mom eleborates and at this point my Dad stepped forward and says
"She don't know who you are.." and taps the embroidered name on the guy's winter coat.

Larry O'Brian. Ottawa's new mayor-elect from last week.

Wrong bald guy mom(grin)..