Saturday, February 25, 2006

Childhood Story #69 The Amateur Garage Axe Murderer Scare

Ahh, I stumbled upon some old emails I sent my buddy Geoff like, 10 years ago when I found him on the net. More childhood stories.. This is one of my favourites!

In the start of the summer of 85 Mike D moved a little ways away to a new house on Keystone in back of Blackburn Public. For awhile his parents had two houses, the one in front of my parent's house, and the new one on Keystone. When they first took possession, his parents let us kids sleep over there on our own recognisance in the living room with sleeping bags, a TV, and a VCR. We watched Friday the 13th part 3D that Wednesday summer night. Among the crowd was Alan(What do you mean Jason's not real?)Ewing, and Mike's lovely older sister who we were all probably in love with at one time or another. We were 15 and had beer hidden in the toilet tanks for after Mike's sister left. After the movie Al was scared shitless and opted not to stay the night and offered to walk Mike's sister home(he had his bicycle). We had told him before the movie that a lunatic had escaped from the regional Detention center on Innes road and he liked to wear hockey masks and cut up people with chainsaws (damn but it was handy having a real-live almost-jail type thing up the road!). When they had been gone for about five minutes I got a wicked idea. When Alan usually went home, he had this habit of hiking open his garage door at the top of his driveway and firing his bike inside the pitch black darkness before slamming it and going into his house. Wouldn't it be funny as hell after his having seen Friday the 13th for me to sneak into his garage and scare the living shit out of him when he yanked the door open(just as long as I got out of the way of the incoming bike)? Everyone agreed it was, It was 11:00pm and if I ran, I'd beat him to his house and have time to hide in the garage while he walked Mike's sister to her parents house.
Five minutes later I was over his backyard fence and in the pitch dark of his unlocked garage. Giggling my ass off at the heart attack he was going to have, I got down on my stomach and lifted the garage door an inch off the concrete so would be able to see his bike riding up the driveway. This was going to be good. Five minutes later I got up off the concrete. He was a bit late, probably talking it up with Mike's sister, amazed at the prospect of being alone with a girl that he wasn't related to. The eyeballs were getting a bit better in the dark after being in there for awhile and I could make out an axe leaning against the garage wall. A prop! Excellent! I'll probably get an earth-curdling scream out of him now. Ten more minutes went by. Alan wasn't being punctual tonight. Maybe a real axe murderer got him(I was just an amateur). The night vision was back and I could see that the garage was packed full of great things you could scare a guy with. I was busy trying to decide between hedge clippers and the axe when I heard a car coming up the driveway.

I hadn't noticed that Al's parents car wasn't in the driveway before. It's missed details like that that make the best of plans fail. Al's dad was coming up the driveway in his big car probably with every intention of putting it in his garage. I'll bet though, that he wasn't expecting to find an amateur axe murderer in there! What the crap was I gonna do? Then he did something weird. He left the car running and got out of it. On the other side of teh garage door I could hear him fiddling with a briefcase or something on the hood of his car, then he started to hike the garage door open. Giving Alan a heart attack would have been funny, he was young and would probably recover. Explaining to his dad why I was hiding in his garage with an axe, was a different story. That inch crack that I left at the bottom between the garage door and the concrete was letting mucho headlight in and I could see really good now. I had already ditched the axe on the floor and moonwalked to the rear of the garage when I first heard his dad get out of the still running car. In Al's garage there was a door to go in the house on the right, and a door to outside freedom on the left, and I could see a couple of garbage cans at the back. Big smelly green plastic garbage cans with lids that I could probably fit inside (if it came to that).

The reason they were smelly turned out to be because they were full, so I ducked behind them and put my blue Kayway hood up and on(this has saved many a young offender in the 80's). Might as well hide the most recognizable part of the anatomy in case I had to flee. The garage door was open all the way now and I was crouched behind these smelly chocked full 'o chicken guts garbage cans with bright headlights cutting around them thinking to myself that I was going to dodge this bullet. Nobody would have to know about this, nosiree bob.. And how lucky I was to have these great green garbage cans to hide behind in Al's garage on this fine summery Wednesday night. The word garbage and garage even sound alike. And when Al's dad opened the garage door all the way is just about the time that I realized that it was garbage day tomorrow(Thursday), and Al's dad was just about to take out the garbage. He was going to march over to where I was hiding and lift up one of these here garbage cans and take them to the curb!

Which one was it going to be? SCREW IT!! TIME TO FLEE!!!! I let out a big yelp, and crashed all the garbage cans over, and took off out the left hand side doorway to the outside before I even heard his dad say "What are doing in...! Get out of there!". And I was over the gate and in the backyard before I heard the car tires squeal and peel out of the driveway. He was going to try a pursuit! he was probably going to try to get me crossing Innes road or something. I fell over his back fence, ran across Innes, got a soaker in the ditch and crashed through somebody's cedar hedge, bumped into a garden shack, slipped through somebody's Petunia garden or whatever, narrowly missed falling in an in-ground pool, and headed into the best place to lose anybody chasing you - the Kemp road corn field.... I got back to Mike's house, bruised, battered, wet and bleeding. My temples were cut from the corn leaves nicking me as I plowed through the furrows, and the first thing I saw when I came in the back door was Alan hoisting a beer to his lips! He had just walked Mike's sister home because she was beautiful, and had every intention of coming back afterwards. When he arrived ten minutes after I left they said, "Did Dave get you?" and when he didn't know what they were talking about, they filled him in. That was funnier than the first plan.

I saw his father the next day and he still to this day doesn't know it was me. He told all the neighbours about the prowler that night and advised them to lock their doors at night...

I got Al back though... The next day....

Al's dad died a number of years ago. Still didn't know it was me.

Friday, February 24, 2006


Where were you when the little 4.5 earthquake hit Ottawa Friday? I was in the auditorium of my old GHS High School watching a moderatly crummy talent show my brother was in (he was great!). The floor started to shake a bit and I just figured it was the teenagers stampeding up and down the aisles at intermission. But nope, found out soon after it was a real earthquake and everything.

My favorite earthquake was sometime in the late 80's. I was watching something on TV and all of a sudden the couch started going up and down, I turned to see my brother, who had just walked in, standing there looking dazed and I thought he was lifting the couch up and down so I started to yell at him. Turns out the whole house was shaking so we ran outside and my Dad'S truck is sitting there in the driveway, bouncing on it's shocks. The lady from France next door came out of her house screaming. She was waiting for cracks to open up in the ground and start swallowing us up, but that didn't happen(she went back to France the next year). Funiest part was that my Dad was in the tub and he hightailed it out when teh water started to slosh over the sides.


I like earthquakes. Little ones at least.. My Palestinian freind Tarek from college told me ages ago (haven't seen him in like 15 years) that earthquakes occur everytime men get together and have sex with each other (Which might explain why San Fransico is on a fault-line). Watch Brokeback mountain win the Oscar this year!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Bad Husband Material - Contract of wifely expectations

This guy from Iowa named Travis Frey came up with this 4 page contract of 'wifely expectations' for his spouse to sign. This was before he was charged with her kidnapping and some unrelated child pornography charges. My question is... Did he just go weird one day or was he always like this? How did he manage to drag her to the alter? Maybe this has something to do with those kidnapping charges after all....

These are pretty bad..

Difference between Canadian Women and Men's Olympic hockey.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Friday, February 17, 2006

Misunderstanding of the day. Evil 6-armed cyborg monkeys

JD walked into my office today and I thought I heard him ask me "Where do you think mass production will be in 10 years?"

So I thought about it for 1 second and figured that we'd probably do away with regular robots and machines and stuff and just DNA special order tons of 6 armed little cyborgian monkey-like creatures (like maybe something in a lemur) who will sit on assembly lines and put stuff together. We can feed them banana sludge through little IV's so they don't have to get up to get something to eat and they can just let nature take it's course through a huge grate on the assembly line floor. Of course in 20 more years, they'll get tired of that, rebel, take over the world and it will be like The planet of the apes, except with little IV dripping evil cyborg monkeys who will round us up and make us mass produce IV tubes and banana sludge for them.

You can bet Microsoft will have something to do with it

Then JD said.. "What? Robot Monkeys? I said petroleum production. How much do you think gas will be in 10 years?"..


Thursday, February 16, 2006

The New Lara Croft

Not that there was anything wrong with the 'old' Lara Croft, but now there's a new one. 20 year old Karima Adebibe from London.. As my good freind Tripper said
"There ain't nuthin wrong with this one either! The world should be full of Lara Crofts!"


What he said....

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Feb 14th show.

Recovered from the crazy-glued fingers and did my two sets today. It went well, except that I led off with Tochigi and played it a zillion times faster than it should be played (or than I am able to play it). Slowed down after a few bars and got it right. Years of performing and I still get the jitters starting off.

I don't know why I don't take my own advice and just start off with a tune I can play in my sleep that has a groove that I can get into off the top, like Drac and freinds part II or something. . But naw.. I have to play the hardest one off the top.

I'll learn..

Some of the other acts were great! Still others were.. interesting.... I guess I kinda get how Kareoke people or guys who play to sequenced keyboards and drums and then stand there after pressing the button doing nothing except singing go over well with the audience. I know they had to program that stuff, but I still find it kind of lame.. But people like it so I guess that's fine.. The new trend is to put your backing tracks on a CD and get the sound guy to play it. At the start of each song the performer says "Track 3 please"... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Way to press that button!!!!


P.S. My other pet peeve is people who use music sheets live when it's an origional song they've composed themselves.. I got no probs using a chart if I'm accompanying someone last minute, or if a cover band has to learn 10 songs in one night to play the next day. I've done it and I'll do it it again, but your own song? C'mon!

If it's not worth remembering, it's probably not worth playing

Monday, February 13, 2006

Fun with Crazy Glue(not).

I have a show tomorrow at work. It's annual Employee appreciation day and they do all sorts of crazy things in support of it. Everything from belly dancing to bands and stuff (hey, any excuse to play!). I've also been suckered into filming it so tonight I was rehearsing my parts, I have 9 songs to run though and I took a break to fix my busted camcorder tripod. It sort of bit the dust in the Bigfoot movie from this fall.
So I get out the crazy glue to take care of a loose cuff thread and the damned stuff won't come out! There's some in there, I can hear it when I give the tube a shake, it's just that the end is all dried shut, so I take a pin to it and clear the end out. I get the thread cuff ready, position the crazy-glue nozzel, tip it over!....
Nothin! I give it a squeeze.
That was a mistake.
Next time I wear gloves. When will I learn! Crazy glue is EVIL!

Only glued two fingers together this time. I got them apart with olive oil, but now they have a crackly white finish all over them.

Dreaming #78 Sting tries to kill me - Again...

Had a dream last night. Dreamt I was being driven along the east coast of Cape Breton by Sting in an SUV. He had his daughter in the truck and I was in the passenger seat. He kept driving on the wrong side of the road and I kept yelling at him
"We're not in England!!! We're not in England!" and he'd go.. "Sorry mate!" and pull to the right hand side. The whole time this is going on his daughter was alseep in the back seat and suddenly he says "Watch this!" (which is what people in the southern United States usually say just before they die.). He pulls a left off the road onto a big grassy field (easy to do since he was on the wrong side again) and guns the engine and steers the SUV towards a beautiful ocean horizon which is actually this 100 foot high cliff with huge crashing waves at the bottom. Apparently I am ok with this because I say nothing. As we near the edge he whips the wheel around and slams on the brakes sending the SUV into a sidelong skid and I suddenly get what he is trying to do.
He wants to slide skid the drivers side of the SUV up to the very edge of the cliff drop-off and then wake his daughter up and tell her to look out the window (Sting can be an asshole sometimes!). It's not very nice, but it's kind of funny so I'm still ok with it... But!! He screws up his timing and we go sliding right off the edge of the cliff and slowly start to plummet to the water below. We fall for what seems like 5 minutes and I'm thinking to myself, when we hit the water, off comes the seat belt, roll down the window and get out. I tell everyone this on the way down.. A few times actually because we had 5 minutes. Sting is laughing maniacly and saying "Chitty Chitty BANG BANG!" over and over again and his daughter is still asleep. As we fall her hands are drifting upwards in this zero G gravity kinda thing(like when shuttle astronauts sleep).

We hit the water. There are no rocks at the bottom, just cold water and it starts to seep in. It takes me a few tries to take my seatbelt off, and I then wake up..

Never go for a ride in the countryside with Sting in an SUV...

Friday, February 10, 2006

Sex Ed gone bad - 1970 - Men's menstrual cycles.

I was out geocaching last Friday with Tripper and I dunno how we got on the topic, but I ended up regurgitating an embarrassing story from way back when. When I was in grade 6 at EMCS, we were apparently the first bunch of middle school kids to receive co-ed sex education. To some of us 11 year olds, it was a pretty confusing topic. For instance... Our teacher was talking to us about a women's menstrual cycle and she said something like, "It's important to keep clean during it, because it can smell bad.". So I'm sitting there, staring off into space, not really paying attention because as I see it, it doesn't really apply to me when my locker partner "Suf" whispers jokingly into my ear:
"I'll bet Shawn doesn't wash during his period!..".
I laughed - I Guffawed, and hard! and got in trouble..Shawn was this kid in our class that was one year older than everyone and constantly smelled of shit. Like he made a habit of stepping in it every day, or he wasn't a big believer in the value of toilet paper or something like that,. To insinuate that Shawn smelled like this because he had a menstrual cycle was so absurd I found it extra funny! Way to go "Suf!".. hehehehe.. I'll take the detention for that one.. Hehehehee.
Anyhow, a few minutes later he said it again, this time about the 2nd smelliest kid in the class (Yes, we had a ranking of the rank and don't even ask, I was not top 20, not even close,..) and it sounded weird. Like... He was trying to be funny, but not absurd.. like he was missing some great detail in all of this.. The fact that men don't have periods. I started to get at that very moment that he had it in his head that getting your period was something both sexes experienced on a monthly basis..
I take it at Suf's house they didn't talk to much about the birds and the bees at home, but this was pretty bad.. I didn't know what to say, so I asked my best friend Geoff, who knew immediately what to do..
Geoff was a nice guy, but he loved a good practical joke, even if it was a hurtful one..I told Geoff, and Geoff did what any sensitive friend would. He sympathized with Suf. In fact, Friday after school, he told Suf that HE Geoff himself, had had his period, it was no big deal, and not to worry, for when Suf was mature enough, he too would have his...
Suf started to ask questions. Geoff didn't blink. What to expect? Well, he laid it all out. Blood leaks out of your belly button. You have to wad up Kleenex in a ball and tape it over there so you don't get blood on everything. You trickle blood for about three days and then it goes away, starts again in a month.
So...Suf goes home for the weekend and on Monday morning at school, what do you know! Whammo! He comes over to Geoff and I and pulls up his shirt, where he has a wad of Kleenex taped over his belly button, with some red marker on it or something...
"Hey!" he whispers.. "I got my period!!!!" he gives us the thumbs up!. We give it back, turn around and collapse on the ground in laughter as he leaves. The trouble was, he wasn't finished. He wasn't content to just tell us. He started telling EVERYBODY! That he was mature, and got his period, and blood comes out your belly button but it's ok, you just put a wad of Kleenex there and tape it, etc...
Later that day in the principal's office, as I was sitting there listening to the teacher who had over heard Suf telling a group of girls about his menstrual cycle recount this sorry state of affairs to the Principal and debating over what to do with me and Geoff I was hit with a feeling of great injustice! The principal said something like "Well boys, what do you think should be done here!" and I went off on this big tirade.
"Well Suf lied! If he would have just not lied to everyone about getting his period this never would have happened! He should be up here with us for lying about this whole thing!".....
Didn't work.. We had to copy pages 350-page 370 in the dictionary word for word on 8x11 pieces of paper.

And Suf? By Tuesday he said he did it all just to get us in trouble.. ...Suuuuuure..... Must be PMS..

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Swimming with the Dolphins (the ocean is their toilet)

In the cafeteria at work on Friday, I ran into a guy I happened to go to Mexico with in 2000. We had no idea beforehand, just saw each other at the airport that day. It reminded me of when I fulfilled fantasy #27 "Swim with dolphins". I was visiting a wildlife preserve in Mexico(the one other than my hotel) and for $50US they will let you swim with dolphins for a half-hour. I was pumped. I had gone scuba-diving the day before so I had my fins, snork and mask and I was all ready to meet Flipper and his buddies and make dolphin noises underwater.
So I get there and they take away my mask, fins and snork, make me put on this ridiculously HUGE life jacket that I can't even turn my head to either side once it's on and the next thing I know I'm bobbing unhappily in the water like a friggin bowling pin.
So me and the 50 other bowling pins are floating there and they bring in the dolphins, about 8 of them, and we each break off into groups. We had a girl dolphin from Cuba. It was educational.. The trainer flipped her over and showed us the difference between girl dolphins and boy dolphins(the dolphin didn't seem to mind, he gave her a fish after). Soon after we're bobbing in the water and the dolphins are swimming through us and you can touch them as they swim by. They feel like a wetsuit made out of orange peels.

There was a gay couple from New York in my group and one of them was a real pain. The trainer goes, don't touch them on the head forward of their blow hole or ears, they don't like that, so New York proceeds to stick his finger in the dolphin's blow hole and ear and it gets pissed off and swims away and he goes "Hey, where is he going! Hey! Why is it leeeeeaving?!?!"

"First off he is a she" I said , "and second..." but he wasn't listening. Idiot. So I swam into the middle to put some distance between me and the new york guy who was now trying to poke the dolphin from the other group in the eyes insead and the next thing I knew, I had three dolphins around me.
They seemed to be trained to swim past you, let you touch them and then they look around for a fish, so I pet them, the trainer is on the side chucking fish and I had a feeding frenzy going on. It was great! And then Mr New York came dog paddling over to spoil the fun "They're over here!!! Over here!! Oh Don't swim away!!".. Dolphins are smart. They can tell if you're an asshole right away. They bugged out and one left a big chocolate swirl as it took a crap underwater. Hey! We are swimming in the dolphin's toilet( It's not like TV! Flipper never did that!)

They they lined us up and the dolphins jumped over our heads and stuff for awhile. That was cool. When it was over I was still kinda pissed at the NYC eye poker so I did a fast side stroke to the dock, beat everyone there and was the first one out. As I'm standing there dripping the trainer came over and said something in spanish and I said "Hmm?" and then he said in english

"Do you want more to swim with dolphins?" (or something like that) And I said "Sure!" he goes "OK, is free, stand here." So I'm standing on the side and I'm trying to get my wife's attention. She has been watching from the observation walkway the whole time but she is not looking my way. She is with some good freinds we came down from Ottawa with waiting for me to come back up. The trainer is picking certain people out of the crowd of 50, a spanish guy, a couple from Britain, a guy from Germany (not the couple from New York). Pretty soon he says "OK, follow!" and he takes off around the corner. I still haven't gotten my wife's attention and she is expecting me to come up with this crowd of 45 people but the trainer is gone now, down this little path and I made the decision to GO and face the concequences later(grin).

The trainer takes us to this huge man-mad pond in the back connected to the dolphin paddocks on the other side. He explains that these dolphins are wild and they are integrating them into the swim with dolphins plan. They have just started to get used to people. They are "how you say.. tough" I think he meant rough, but hell, this looks like more fun than the other one we just did. Then I kinda saw how he picked me and the others. He probably figured that these wild dolphins would not be able to kill us as easy(grin). So in we go. These wild dolphins are cool! They ram you, kinda bite you(or mouth you, ) head butt you, roll into you, move you, etc.. They haven't gotten the "Let the stupid human pet you and you get a fish" trick. Some of them are thinking "If I ram into this human full blast I'll surely get a fish! Hey where's my fish? Musn't have been hard enough!" Now I think I know why these life jackets are made this way. It's like dolphin armor.

That was one of the coolest things I had ever done. I think it lasted 45 minutes. I didn't know any of these other 5 people but we were all best freinds after almost being drowned by semi-wild dolphins. There was one dolphin they had to take out because he was too rough. I was curious how the hell they were gonna do that, I mean the trainers are on land and the dolphin is in the water, he's gonna do what he wants. Well, first off they don't throw fish his way, then they get this big pole with a circle on the end and they slide a plastic symbol into the circle and they slap this on the top of the water and shove it underneath when this dolphin swims by. He goes and looks at this symbol, then he swims off towards his dolphin paddock. ?????????? I asked them how that works but they were unable to translate.

Soon it was over and I broke the freestyle swimming record to get back to the other side and face my wife who has spent the last 45 minutes in a foreign country wondering where the hell her husband is.. I found her angry and arguing with the Swim with dolphins tour guide.

"My husband came down here, swam with your dolphins and he did not come back up with the other people! Is he dead at the bottom of your dolphin pool?" The guy actually bent over and checked if I was(grin)..

"Hi honey!" Uh oh....

That was bad.. But worth it!!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Muslim Cartoons

A link to those Muslim Cartoons that people got riled up enough over to burn a pile of Danish and other European embassies and attack a US military base... death toll is at 10 so far. Over some cartoons...

Celebrities who should be neutered

First we had Steve the idiot

Then Jacko the wacko..

And now Brittany Spears(I wonder what her sperm donor husband has to say about that).

At least get a friggin nanny if you're going to act like freakin idiots.. They should be neutered! Well, I think one is, Jacko just buys them on the Internet from what I hear. Scary...

Monday, February 06, 2006

Ottawa Zombie Walk

Sometime this summer, at my brother's post wedding reception, I briefly met this interesting guy who seemed to be into some of the same things I was in. Along these lines, one thing he does is help organize the Ottawa Zombie walk. It occurs a week before Halloween and involves a huge pile of people dressed up as zombies who meet at Beechwood cemetary and lurch downtown towards Parliament hill. Very cool indeed. I smell a new film. Trailerpark geocachers V.S. Zombies. Get your Zombie outfit ready for Oct 23rd 2006!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Harper gets a haircut..

I just found out that the new Prime Minister and I get our hair cut by the same guy. He got finger-printed yesterday (my friend that cuts hair that is) and he's trimming the Harper's locks today before they move into 21 Sussex tomorrow. He used to cut their hair before and they trusted him and all that but now that he's cutting the PM's hair and not just an opposition leader's it's all fingerprints, RCMP bodyguards, and they close the place so they can get their hair cut in private (Kinda like when Michael Jackson goes shopping - or used too that is).

I wanted to know if Harper was really a robot. You'd figure robot hair wouldn't grow. Maybe I've been wrong all along..

Friday, February 03, 2006

Advances in Pizza technology

We tried out Pizza hut's Cheesy Bites Pizza tonight. This is an excellent innovation whereby the outer crust is formed into dough balls shot full of cheese that you pluck off and eat. I guess they saw that a large group of the population leaves the crust (pizza bones I call them, and I actually eat them) and it is simply looked upon as a cheese containment device, not part of the meal. You need something to hang onto while you stuff the thing in your pie hole I guess. Well, it's a darned good idea! I think I ate half of them!

We usually don't go to 'The Hut' or Pizza Pizza, preferring the small dedicated Pizza joints like Gabrielle's etc.. But it was cool to try it. Last time I was at Pizza Pizza, I had a hard time telling the difference between the bottom of the cardboard box and the pizza crust. It was like cardboard and cheese, hold the bread.

Funerals and people who like them(like me!)

There's a funeral today for a guy I used to work with. He retired about 8 years ago. I never knew how old he was back then but according to the obit, he must have retired at age 71, which is pretty rare where I am. Most here are out between 55-58 years of age(I'm talking retirement, not death). Some people in the office that worked close with him aren't going to it because they don't 'like' funerals.

So does everyone feel this way? Who actually 'likes' funerals anyhow? Well.. Sometime I don't mind them. It sucks when it's close family or some shocking death that should never happen, but when it's some 90 year old french aunt (I call them Ma-tants - not Mutants, but french for 'My Aunt') who is up there and it,S quite a natural thing, it's not so bad.
Plus, they always serve these really cool little triangular sandwiches. When I was a kid I called them dead people sandwiches ( actually, I still call them that). They're ussually egg salad, or chicken or ham salad ones. I was at a wedding years ago and I told my wife "Look, they got dead people sandwiches!" and the wedding organizer did not understand it was a compliment (sigh). You also see folks you haven't seen in years at these things, and everyone says the same thing.. "We should try to get together like this when someone doesn't die..."

My GPS just got better!

And I didn't have to do diddly! The US upgraded some stuff on their GPS sat birds and increaded accuracy 10-15%! I may not agree with everything uncle Sam does, but it sure is nice of them to let me play with their 3 billion dollar network of GPS sats for free!

Thanks to AVdezign for passing that one on..

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Survivor Panama EP 1

Survivor 12, Panama. Well, has it been 6 months already? Man, I love this show! Say what you want about how crappy reality TV is, this was one of the first ones to catch on and start the craze. Survivor is like pizza or sex. Even when it's bad it's still pretty good.
It still makes me mad when the weak couch potatoes vote off people who actually aren't afraid of crunchy leaves and bugs and can probably survive outdoors without anyone's help. Happens every time (like it did tonight).
Tonight Heart-attack-waiting-to-happen Cirie managed to get the other two spineless jellyfish in her group to vote off the lumberjack lady. I hope to hell they keep these existing groups together for at least 4 episodes because voting off the strongest person on their team should garentee them all a quick exit (but I don't think that will happen, they'll shove them into two groups soon to compete in the bigger challenges)
Cirie is so overweight they had to have a moving blur matte on at least two parts of her body at all times when she's in a bathing suit, because of all the stuff trying to fall out around the edges. Yeah, I want her on my team. She's really gonna help in those extreme challenges. She'll probably go far in the game too. People like to keep other people around who they can beat! ARG!!!!
I love the team of shrinks who pick the contestants! They got a 3-pack a day smoker on the show! They took away his cigs! He is gonna KILL someone in the next episode(grin).

And don't these losers learn how to make fire or a shelter before they go on the show? Three of the teams got flint and all three proceeded to hold the flint in one hand, over tinder, and then tried to hit the flint(did I mention they were holding it in their hand?) with the machette. The team of young guys couldn't even start a fire! Someone is gonna cut their hand off(grin). I reccomend that they should have all read this...


I can't wait for it to rain!